TOO LIGHT TO BEAR
太轻、太重
2022
In interviews, I often ask what moment hurt you the most during the lockdown? Most of the answers were that when the duration of the lockdown changed from the 7 days announced earlier by the government to indefinite, a sense of betrayal arose spontaneously. But when I ask does that mean you don't want to trust the government anymore? Many answers were negative. People still believe that there is a bright future here.
In China, the parrot is a bird that symbolizes auspiciousness, and its arrival indicates that happy things are coming.
In China, the parrot is a bird that symbolizes auspiciousness, and its arrival indicates that happy things are coming.
"I came back from the United States in March. According to China's epidemic prevention policy at the time, I needed to be quarantined for 21 days. After the quarantine, I rented the house I live in now. There is nothing in it. I only have a pair of chopsticks and a bowl." One interviewee told me his story of a 100-day quarantine, "Things came so fast, I didn't have time to react. For a while, the food only allowed me to eat one meal a day. By the end of May, I felt that the end of the lockdown was still far away, so I decided to charter a car to Hangzhou City. According to the local policy of Hangzhou, because I came from Shanghai, I need to face another 14 days of quarantine. Unexpectedly, two days later, Shanghai announced the unblocking, and I was still in isolation."
"That's how absurd it is," he concluded jokingly.
“Was it a heavy experience for you? "I pressed, and brought up the question of weighting experience.
"Looking back on it now, it was light, but I don't want to forget the experience. If I had to describe it, I felt like a piece of plastic wrap. It was transparent but I could see it clearly. When it was on my skin, it felt terrible, and when it was on my face, it felt like I was going to be out of breath at any moment.”
"That's how absurd it is," he concluded jokingly.
“Was it a heavy experience for you? "I pressed, and brought up the question of weighting experience.
"Looking back on it now, it was light, but I don't want to forget the experience. If I had to describe it, I felt like a piece of plastic wrap. It was transparent but I could see it clearly. When it was on my skin, it felt terrible, and when it was on my face, it felt like I was going to be out of breath at any moment.”
"I became disgusted with this country, the security guards at the entrance of the community, those people wearing white protective clothing, and the idiots of the neighborhood committee. Why are we being controlled like this? I often took the initiative to quarrel with these people during the lockdown. I can't stand their arrogance. They have no right to do this to us. I go for a walk downstairs and they all want me to flatter them. They are already crazy. I think they are the crazy people. So I want to fight with them , I don't want to see them controlling us with a smug look. It's unreasonable.” One interviewee recalled that time with outrage and disgust at those who were called "people's servants”.
"What quarantine has done to me...it's not the first time I've been in quarantine for such a long time, but it's the toughest. We weren't even allowed out of the house. Now I feel like life is slowly getting back on track, and maybe It is because I have previous experience. But when the quarantine just ended, I was not used to talking to others. There was a feeling that I had forgotten how to talk to others. In fact, I still have some of this feeling now.” An interviewee recalled the difference between the two long periods of isolation, he said, "I was suffering from depression, and the doctor diagnosed me with moderate depression. But I didn't have a significant feeling, I just prefer to be alone. But there is a clear difference between being alone when you have a choice and being requested to stay alone.”
To this day, we still cannot find a valid data on how many people died during the lockdown. Among these dead people, how many people died because of the COVID-19, how many people died because there was no medical treatment, and how many people died because of food shortages. Because many rumors in the market have neither been officially confirmed nor officially refuted. On this matter, failing to get a fair and powerful answer can be said to be the biggest disrespect for life.
So far, it is still impossible to know whether thousands of elderly people died of hunger, but what is certain is that tens of thousands of people left Shanghai, a city known as the Pearl of the Orient, after the end of the lockdown.
So far, it is still impossible to know whether thousands of elderly people died of hunger, but what is certain is that tens of thousands of people left Shanghai, a city known as the Pearl of the Orient, after the end of the lockdown.
"My period from April to June can be summed up in four words, which is physical and mental exhaustion. For me, there are two things that are unforgettable. One is that my grandmother passed away. She is the who loves me the most. It is the person I love most, but due to the lockdown, I can't go back to see her for the farewell. I really want to go back. Do you think this kind of thing will only happen to me? No. The second thing is, there are many elderly people living in my community, and they can’t buy food online together like young people, so one day, I sneaked out of the community, found a vegetable store that was still open, and bought a large bag of food, I wanted to distribute them to the elderly in the community. When I went back, I saw a kitten in a closed coffee shop on the street. It looked very hungry. I gave it a ham sausage. When I turned around, I found my large bag on the ground disappeared out of thin air. It is unbelievable that the food theft happened in Shanghai in 2022. And just when I had no choice but to go home, two policemen stopped me. They asked me to show my ID card and asked me what I was doing. I don't know why I didn't obediently follow their instructions, I still feel very sad when I think about it now, I just asked him ‘Why can't your attitude be better? ’ The police became even more impatient. They probably felt that I had challenged their authority, and then pushed me down, claiming to detain me. It's really ridiculous, I'm just walking down the street, and I have to be taken to the police station. Isn't this kind of thing a so-called American joke? “
When I want an interviewee to tell the worst thing that happened to her during this time.
When I want an interviewee to tell the worst thing that happened to her during this time.
"I was isolated in the school and not allowed to leave the dormitory building. We relied on meal tickets to exchange for food, and we had a fixed time every day to walk downstairs in the dormitory. It was all like a prison. And when I was depressed about all the things at the time, my parents said that these were normal and I should support these actions. I feel more isolated and helpless. Why was that happening? I feel that everything had lost color.” An interviewee who was isolated in the school said, He was a year away from graduating as a teacher, but when we met again in two months, her attitude changed: "I think everything is back to normal, I just went to an exhibition today, I will see you later Go to see a musical. I am doing an internship in an elementary school now. I like these children very much. Seeing them, I feel that many things have been answered.”
I tentatively asked, "Is there a self-comforting quality in this?"
"Why did you go back to China?" He replaced the answer with a rhetorical question.
"Too Light to Bear" describes the mental state of the people of Shanghai, China after the two-and-a-half-month-long city-wide lockdown from a dissociative perspective. The absurd thing is that to today, the handling of the epidemic is still one of the core contradictions of the Chinese people. Living in the most free and developed city in China, the people of Shanghai believe in human rights and freedom more than people in other parts of China. This also makes the people of Shanghai have a huge sense of gap and powerlessness after experiencing a long and anti-human rights compulsory lockdown. It's like they having a common dissociative disorder.
"Everything is fragile." Describing his feelings, an interviewee mentioned that when an ordinary person is shrouded in a nationwide "anti-epidemic war", everything he has is fragile. This seems to outline the source of the sense of gap and powerlessness. Under the grand narrative, the insignificance of individuals is vividly highlighted. Unlike Western countries, most Chinese people do not fully understand the importance of "individual freedom", but they still feel the inner pain under the conflict formed by their nature and their environment. During the interview, the question "How do you weigh the pain you experience?" was used throughout all the interviewees, and I was surprised that they often used very light things as metaphors to describe them, a piece of plastic wrap, carbon monoxide, a tear... But when I asked them to explain further, what I got was a heavy explanation that conflicted with these things: when a piece of plastic wrap is covered on the face, the feeling is suffocating; when carbon monoxide is inhaled, It may bring death; a drop of tears does not bring the weight of the body, but the heaviness of the soul…
One model said during the shoot: "Maybe it didn't happen at all, I think everything has returned to normal.” Just two months ago, he was suffering from moderate depression due to the unfair treatment during the lockdown, but as a future public official, he could only look forward. So I asked him to try to touch the fine hairs on his face. Those invisible hairs that can only be felt with a gentle touch are like the consequences of the lockdown. People are always too light, but what happens to people is always too heavy. Most of the photos I take look like a dusty ending (or an appearance), but what I want to express is by no means "what is their situation now", what I want to say is "what did they go through" . Just like a sentence of comfort that children often hear: the result may not be important, but the process is important.
"Everything is fragile." Describing his feelings, an interviewee mentioned that when an ordinary person is shrouded in a nationwide "anti-epidemic war", everything he has is fragile. This seems to outline the source of the sense of gap and powerlessness. Under the grand narrative, the insignificance of individuals is vividly highlighted. Unlike Western countries, most Chinese people do not fully understand the importance of "individual freedom", but they still feel the inner pain under the conflict formed by their nature and their environment. During the interview, the question "How do you weigh the pain you experience?" was used throughout all the interviewees, and I was surprised that they often used very light things as metaphors to describe them, a piece of plastic wrap, carbon monoxide, a tear... But when I asked them to explain further, what I got was a heavy explanation that conflicted with these things: when a piece of plastic wrap is covered on the face, the feeling is suffocating; when carbon monoxide is inhaled, It may bring death; a drop of tears does not bring the weight of the body, but the heaviness of the soul…
One model said during the shoot: "Maybe it didn't happen at all, I think everything has returned to normal.” Just two months ago, he was suffering from moderate depression due to the unfair treatment during the lockdown, but as a future public official, he could only look forward. So I asked him to try to touch the fine hairs on his face. Those invisible hairs that can only be felt with a gentle touch are like the consequences of the lockdown. People are always too light, but what happens to people is always too heavy. Most of the photos I take look like a dusty ending (or an appearance), but what I want to express is by no means "what is their situation now", what I want to say is "what did they go through" . Just like a sentence of comfort that children often hear: the result may not be important, but the process is important.