If God tells me to love myself, I don't see why I can't love the same Mitsuyo...

 2003/01/06 Monday 

The world is full of problems that can't be solved. Maybe it's better not to love anymore...

Mitsuyo once told me that I was her paradise.

But somehow, I guess we ended up dragging each other to hell.

"I had a nightmare where I was nailed to a cross. When I woke up, Mitsuyo was leaning against my chest.

It was extremely warm.

Damn Christianity, if you really love humans, why do you make them suffer so much? "

I decided not to go to church anymore, but Mitsuyo still goes. She brought sweets from church to share with me and she asked me why I wasn't going. I said, “That's hell for me.“

Mitsuyo hugged me and kissed me. I kissed her too. After that, it felt like I came to heaven.

Last night when my father came back, I heard my mother crying. I covered Mitsuyo's ears tightly. When I woke up this morning, my father and mother were gone.

The mother brought men home more and more frequently. Mitsuyo and I peeked through the crack in the door. Mitsuyo and I said: Never tell my father. Mitsuyo kissed me and hooked up with me. She said: "Brother, every more secret between us, the closer we will become."

I did not understand.

My father has not been home for a month. I asked my mother about it, and she asked me if I missed him. I shook my head in denial. My mother seemed very pleased. She gave me some change and asked Mitsuyo and I to buy some candies.

Last night, my father returned home late at night. I heard the sounds of quarreling and fighting, and my mother’s shrill voice frightened me. I covered Mitsuyo's ears tightly, and Mitsuyo also covered my ears tightly, as if I heard the sound of conch. Mitsuyo closed her eyes tightly and frowned slightly. I couldn't help but kiss her, and Mitsuyo responded to me.

We did things like mothers.

I couldn't bear to let go of her hand and hug Mitsuyo even tighter. Mitsuyo chuckled and said, "Brother, we want to be together forever, okay?"

Of course, Mitsuyo.

Mitsuyo's hair was cut off by Takada Eihui. Although Mitsuyo said it didn't matter, he must have been very uncomfortable in his heart. Early this morning, I ambush Takada on her way to school and cut off her hair. She cried and asked me why.3

Don’t you know in your heart? Pitiful.

When my brother went to play football, I would go to the river bank alone to look at dandelions. When the sun is bright, the dandelion's plush looks transparent. I'm envious.

Yesterday

Yesterday yesterday

Yesterday's yesterday's yesterday

I'm always looking at the cherry blossoms in the yard opposite

When mom, dad, and brother don’t notice,

Just me and Cherry

Late at night, my mother's screams came from outside the room. My father was violent to my mother again.

My brother didn't wake up.

I can see today's moon from the window, it's so round.

"It's all your fault!"

"It's all your fault, you bastard!"

Mom and Dad accused each other.

When I woke up in the morning, I saw my mother sunbathing in the small hall. Mother's skin shines in the sun.

I was soon discovered. My mother called me over to her and said to me, "Mitsuyo, do you know why we came to this world?"

I shook my head.

"My father, your grandfather, said, 'We come with nothing but leave to create a full life.'" My mother said to me, imitating the tone of an old man. She smiled and stroked my hair, "Yoko, you have to live a full life!"

In the evening I asked my brother: "Brother, are we born in this world because we want to live a full life?"

"We were born hugging each other, and of course we came to this world because of each other."

My brother hugged me hard.

I want a hairpin like Senko’s.

I whispered before my father went out.

The father left without responding.

When I woke up, I found a pink hairpin next to the pillow with a cute little bear on it.

In the morning, my father asked me why I wanted to cut my hair short. If I cut it short, wouldn’t I be unable to use hairpins?

Instead of answering, I asked my father if I could skip school today.

The father thought for a moment and said, "Then let's go fishing."

My father's fishing skills were very poor, but we still caught a fish.

Mitsuyo would always look at me when we were intertwined. I love her confused eyes.

She said in my ear: "Brother, maybe I was originally a part of you."

Mitsuyo, I was originally a part of you.

Read "Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair" by Pablo Neruda

“Veinte poemas de amor y una canción desesperada”

Maybe Mr. Neruda will understand Mitsuyo and me.

Your breast is enough for my heart,
And my wings for your freedom.
What was sleeping above your soul will rise
Out of my mouth to heaven

In you is the illusion of each day.
You arrive like the dew to the cupped flowers.
You undermine the horizon with your absence.
Eternally in flight like the wave.

“Your Breast Is Enough”

Brazilian football is so awesome!
I also want to play so freely!

Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo
Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo
Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo
Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo Mitsuyo

Because  came to the world one second earlier than Mitsuyo, I had one second more responsibility.

So I must protect Mitsuyo and love Mitsuyo.

This is what a brother should do, do you understand?

Don’t think about anything anymore, Komyo .

I Want to go abroad.

I Want to go abroad.

I have decided to go abroad. Found a part-time job.

Today I mustered up the courage to tell my father about my idea of going abroad. My father was surprisingly not angry. He just nodded and told me to try my best.

Yeah, what's the reason to be angry?

2007/06/05 Tuesday

My brother cried and apologized to me. I didn't know what he had done wrong, so I had to hug him and say, "It's okay, brother, it's okay."


2007/06/06 Wednesday

Everyone in school is saying that I have a scary brother.

I looked at Yinghui's hair and probably knew the reason.

2007/06/18 Monday

During the day, my brother kissed me and said, "Do you want to do it?"

I stroked my brother's cock, smiling and nodding at him.

What else can we do?

My brother and I were having sex every day. I seem to understand my mother.

When you have sex, you don't have to think about anything.

I received Taniji-kun’s confession today and politely declined.

Friends were surprised. Taniji-kun is very handsome, well-educated, and good at sports, but I always feel that he is not my type.

I went to the beach to watch the sunset with Senko.

The limited time is infinitely huddled in the folds of the waves.

There are so many kinds of orange and red.

Taniji-kun confessed for the second time. I was frightened by his seriousness and agreed to give it a try on a date first.

Don't know what to do? Hopefully something interesting…

My brother suddenly said he wanted to study abroad. I was shocked.

"Mitsuyo, do you want to come together?"

I was shocked for the second time.

Brother…

I see my father and mother less and less. Suddenly I remembered the fishing rod at home and called my brother to play by the river. My brother unexpectedly knew how to fish, but we put all the fish back when we left. Very happy.

After the graduation ceremony, I hugged Senko for a long time. We looked at each other crying ugly, laughed, and agreed to see each other more often in the future. Senko told me to take good care of myself. It's really a pleasure to meet you, Senko.

Some high school students from the basketball club came to the place where I worked. While eating, they were seriously discussing how to enter the national competition. I have never been so close to these athletic male protagonists. They always feel that they know everything in life, even if they don't know, they are confident.

In order to go abroad, the opportunities to spend time with Mitsuyo every day became less and less. But Mitsuyo didn't seem to feel unhappy. I was a little jealous, but Mitsuyo's smile was the most important thing. It’s time for both Mitsuyo and me to think about life.

On my way home recently, I always meet the same cat with amber eyes. I went to say hello today and it ran away immediately. Why.

I returned home early today, and Mitsuyo sat on the window sill to watch the cherry blossoms.

Come to think of it, we have never enjoyed cherry blossoms together.

Later I realized that Tani Haru-kun was going to Hokkaido. Mitsuyo's back becomes lonelier than before

After finishing my part-time job, Yuriko-senpai suddenly kissed me. This is my first time kissing a girl other than Mitsuyo. It turns out that both Mitsuyo and I have quite thin lips, because Yuriko-senpai’s lips are very soft.

She said: "Let's be together, Komyo kun."

Yuriko-senpai has an unexplained courage, so I agreed immediately.

I met my father today and he gave me a bag of money. "Go chase, Komyo." He patted my shoulder like a friend.

I didn't know how to react, except to say thank you.

When I returned to the room, I realized that I was crying.

I don’t know how to tell Yuriko-senpai about going to Brazil. How do you tell others about the future? After complaining to Mitsuyo, Mitsuyo smiled and said, "You have changed, brother." Then he asked me, "Do you want to have sex?"

I looked at Mitsuyo taking off his clothes and hesitated for the first time.

But in the end, I still got entangled with Mitsuyo, and  no longer had any trouble in my heart.

For the first time since the beginning of spring, my father, mother, Mitsuyo and I sat neatly at the dinner table. My mother made hot pot with Mitsuyo and I’s favorite white radish in it.

My mother happily announced to us that she had found a stable job, and so did my father.

I felt happiness coming.

Part-time job, Yuriko-senpai, Mitsuyo, and Brazil make up my entire life now.

Finally, I confessed my plan to go to Brazil to Yuriko-senpai. I have imagined many endings, and even if I don’t want to let go, I can accept them calmly.

Yuriko-senpai was a little surprised, but she quickly regained her usual calmness. She said, “Komyo-kun, now is the most important.”

Yuriko-senpai said that she has no plans to go to Brazil, but the future does not require too much calculation.

Mitsuyo suddenly told me that she wanted to study abroad in Brazil with me. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t as happy as I imagined, probably because of the uneasiness she showed.

"Mitsuyo, you can go anywhere." This sentence could not come out of my mouth.

Looking through past diaries, it’s as if Mitsuyo is still in front of me.

In the past I wrote, "My name and Mitsuyo's name always appear together in the Book of Life, so we are always inseparable. We are complementary beings."

I could no longer understand this world and could only cry uncontrollably.

Taniji-kun found a motorcycle from nowhere and drove aimlessly for a day. When we came to a seaside road, the motorcycle ran out of gas. Taniji-kun apologized to me while pushing the cart. "Sorry, I'm not good at arranging dates!" he said, lowering his head.

My brother always apologizes suddenly. It's really easy for boys to think too much.

I patted his shoulder and reassured him that I was happy today.

I really like this kind of date.

I went to pay homage to the New Year with my brother, Senko and Taniji-kun.

My brother was shocked by Gu Chunjun's enthusiasm when we first met him. The scene made Senko and I laugh.

While visiting the shrine, I secretly watched everyone making wishes. I hope everyone’s wishes can come true and everyone can be happy!

Would you be too greedy, Lord Kami?

After entering second grade, I can probably understand Kaguya's feelings. Being chased by too many men is really annoying. I went on a date with some of them, and they either only care about how handsome they are, or they are just cooperating with me to do something I like. In this case, I might as well go play with Senko, and I am not as good as Taniji-kun at all.

But Taniji-kun didn't show up for a long time. When we met again, he said goodbye to me. He is about to go to Hokkaido, where his family runs a ranch. Taniji-kun’s eyes were red, which made me go to him if I had the chance. I touched his face, which was completely different from my brother's, as if I were gently stroking the sand with my hands.

The cherry blossoms in the yard opposite are blooming particularly brightly this year.

I'm always the only one at home lately, and I always feel a little lonely.

Come to think of it, we have never gone to see cherry blossoms together.

Finally, I went to say goodbye to Taniji-kun. He shook hands with me and I hugged him hard.

Goodbye, Taniji.

I had a rare dinner with my father, mother, and brother. The radish made by my mother was still as delicious as before.

So delicious that I want to cry.

My father and mother asked me if I wanted to go to Brazil with my brother. They sat on one side of the dinner table, smiling and patiently waiting for my answer.

My mind was not on it at all. I wanted to be with my brother, but I had no interest in going to Brazil. The last time I sat down and talked with my parents was ten years ago.

Ten years have passed and we have all become more like adults.

I received a letter from Tanaji today. He said that cows are cuter than expected. Although they are strong, they are very docile. Attached is a photo of him and a cow.

It’s obviously two cows (laughs).

Went to find Senko. In the past, you could find Senko just by turning around an intersection, but now you have to take a long subway ride.

Senko was still the same Senko, and I told her my troubles.

"Mitsuyoko, wait until we see enough, then we can choose what to own, right?"

Wait until you have seen enough before choosing what to own!

I said goodbye to my father, mother, Senko, Taniji-kun, Grandma Qianda from the snack shop next door... one by one. It was still incredible when I went to the airport.

Because I was too nervous and uneasy, I held my brother's hand tightly.

My brother smiled and said that we felt like we were back in our mother's belly. This must be how we came into this world in the first place.